Sunday, January 30, 2005

What it Takes

Holy was a writer for our site during its golden age, and probably understands the responsibilities of the job better than anybody else. This is a reprint of some of his thoughts on the duties of a Weblog Superstar Apprentice. Nobody can ever replace Holy, but we're currently accepting applications to write (email

So, you think you’re good enough to post on Do you really think that you’re that good? Do you have the resolve, the arrogance, and the blood clot in the right part of your brain to write the kind of stuff that VT readers will enjoy? Do you have the courage to post something for thousands of lesbians and a handful of rather feminine guys to read and criticize? Are you ready for the constant emails and IM’s? Are you ready for the groupies, the freaks, and the lengthy investigations into your past? Do you possibly have any concept of the pressure that the reading public will put on you? DO YOU?!

Actually, it really isn’t all that exciting, I just needed a good opening to justify this post. I’ve had a couple of email saying ‘sup’ and one IM at four in the morning from some moron who wanted to make sure I understood the true meaning of 'holy' and asked if I had any pictures to trade. But since we’re talking about it, there is one stressful part to posting on VT - Christoph.

There is a very strict set of regulations and guidelines that an author at VT must follow. Unfortunately, he makes them up as we go. At last count there were like a billion regulations and six guidelines. I’ll give you the first few now, and you can figure out the rest for yourself if you’re lucky enough to be hired. Now, I could just list some crap about what’s good and what’s bad, but I felt it would get the point across better if I included the actual conversations I’ve had with Christoph, just to show the stresses involved... and also because this way I can do most of the post with copy and paste.

Holy: you didn't use my last update
Christoph: What was it?
Holy: the Leahy Letter
Christoph: Oh, yeah I found that boring. Write a funny one.
Holy: you'd make a good boss you know that. Bitch
- delayed criticism can be tough to handle gracefully

Holy: I need a funny topic
Christoph: Aliens attacking Istanbul.
Holy: I knew I could count on you
Christoph: You're a fool Charlie Brown.
- it was my fault for even expecting a straight answer

Holy: see, now you’re just trying to make me cry
Christoph: AND IT WORKED?
Holy: NO!
- Christoph at his best

Holy: you don't like anything I write
Christoph: Sure I do.
Holy: yeah but you change everything
Christoph: I don't change everything, just the parts that suck.
Holy: but you change like almost everything!
- oh, wait a minute...

Holy: I can make my thumb look like its come off
Christoph: You're fired.
Christoph: Rehired.
Christoph: Fired.
Christoph: Rehired purely for my own personal entertainment.
Christoph: Get to work you fucking Holy.
- believe it or not I call this one a ‘WIN’

How many of you have ever had an IM conversation with Christoph? You send him your customary "hello my friend, how are you today?" to which he replies with his usual wit and charm, "fuck-off you creep, I'm busy,” or something like that. It must be an auto-reply ‘cause it's the same one I get time and time again.

Holy: :)
Christoph: Shut up.
Holy: :)

Now that the formalities and courtesies are out of the way, you go off into the deep blue yonder of the Internet and do your own thing. Fast forward ahead seven hours and – after you peel your lips off of the monitor and have one quick look at your email to make sure it is still empty – you send Christoph a quick 'see ya later buddy', to which he replies "bite-me, faggot" (he has a fairly advanced auto-reply system). Then you log off and, I’m sure, head off to the kitchen and put some ketchup on a slice of bread, pour yourself a coke and then head back to the computer to log back on and...

Holy: HI
Christoph: I wish death upon you
Holy: thanks I needed that

I have tried to investigate this. Picture me with my bag of bread, ketchup bottle and tin of raw Kool-Aid stuff, sitting in front of a monitor and referring to myself as an investigator for no reason as I spoke with him. Just to make sure he was really there I would send an IM every half hour or so just to witness the various replies.

Holy: dead kittens
Christoph: Longer
Holy: 2 dead kittens

Holy: shniggleboggles
Christoph: Correct.

Holy: hello
Christoph: Look what you made me do.
Holy: that’s a helluva thing to blame on somebody
Christoph: Yes it is.

Holy: hey buddy
Christoph: Wanna cyber?
Holy: let me go get my t-shirt
Christoph: Imagine that my tongue is in your face.
Holy: how would I breathe
Christoph: You wouldn’t.

Holy: how are ya?
Christoph: Roaches crawl out of the receiver when I pick up the phone, and I prefer this method of communication to your IMs.

So I’ll ask you again, do you think you have what it takes to write on VT? Do you have the courage to post something for Christoph to pound you over the head with until you fix it? Are you ready for the constant emails and IM’s and screaming and covert assassination attempts organized by the man himself? Do you possibly have any concept of the pressure that Christoph will put on you? It’s too late for me. Run while you can.


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4:09 AM  

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